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...all i can say is that the drugs don't work no more
5th-Jan-2013 08:42 pm - New Year's Resolutions
Be healthier. this entails
  • eating right
  • losing weight
  • not getting diabetes
  • doing some sort of physical activity for at least thirty minutes a day.
Get a boyfriend. this entails
  • some of the above specifically the losing weight part
  • probably not online dating. haha.
  • idk what else, TIPS?
save money. this entails
  • not spending it
  • staying as far away from old navy and the mall as possible
  • LEAVING IT IN THE BANK aka not having cash on me
  • being more conscious
go to a supernatural convention. this entails
  • saving a shitload of money.
  • losing some lbs.[gotta look good for my men!]
  • possibly a roadtrip
  • buying a photo op
so what are your new years resolutions?
i'm very curious to know.
amy/doctor kiss
13th-Oct-2011 08:11 pm - seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex
i know, it's been awhile and you've all missed me terribly.


it was interesting, i don't regret it, and i had fun.
oh and for memory's sake his name is Alfy Lavieri.
so yeah i has been deflowered.
my v-card has been maxed out.
i am a virgin no more.
i had teh sex.

there i said it. and know all of you know.
so rejoice in my liberation!!!!!
blue sam&dean
17th-May-2011 11:54 pm - what did i just do?
so something really weird happened today after i got off work.
i hooked up with one of my co-workers in my car in the parkinglot.
his name is mister jeffrey. and hes 36. [i know i know WAY too old]
and until this day i thought our friendship was purely platonic.
and today i find out that he's basically a dirty old man.
i dont know why i even sucked him off. one minute we're just talking
and making fun of random people and the next we're in the backseat and
his cock is in my mouth.  and btw it was freaking HUGE. like i'd never seen
one that big before. the damn thing could barely fit in my mouth.
idk the whole thing is like finding out santa clause didn't exist all over again.
like i geniuinely thought we were friends, i mean i would always be sp excited to see him
because hes a really cool guy and we always have good talks. i mean yeah, he would always call
me beautiful and stuff but i figured that was just him trying to pick up my obviously low self-esteem.
but appearently all he wanted was to get in my pants, and he even said that he knew we'd wind up
here from day one. i dont even know how i got to this point. i wish i could wake up and do the whole day over again.

i dont know what im doing here guys. im  drowning and its like nobody can really see.
Karen [my therapist], says that my hooking up with all these guys is my new form of cutting.
she even made a chart to prove it. she says that because of the feelings that i have about it
are the same ones i had about my cutting. i mean i knew all along thats what it was, but it
didn't really hit me until she said so.

and i know the simple answer is just stop hooking up with guys. but i can't right now.
its like i need this. i feed off of it. even though it makes me feel like shit afterwards,
i still wanna do it.
mount here
16th-May-2011 02:24 pm - hymen? what hymen?
so i met up with this guy Josh yesterday.
he was pretty cute. he didn't really have like rock hard abs or anything
but he wasn't fat either. just normal. so that was nice.
anywhore, we were messing around and then BAM! i feel a sharp jab of pain.
and the next words out of his mouth are "uh...you're bleeding a bit"

and then it hit me...Collapse )
13th-May-2011 11:50 am - where have i been all my life?
you have been forewarned, from here on out its all just words.

damn lj, its been awhile. how are my peeps doing?
fuck i've missed you guys like burning. i dont really have any excuses
for my absence. but i doubt any of you missed me or my rantings.
im gonna give yall the cliffnotes version of everything thats gone down these
past two months.
the plentyoffish dating site brought me Eli, he was my boyfriend until he disappeared.
no, literally. he just vanished. all i got was a cryptic text message. but he was my first real
kiss, and my first blowjob, and basically first person i'd done anything physical  with. no we didn't have sex.
but after getting a taste of that I wanted more. so soon enough, i was on  a sex personals website, using the same handle i had on here.
so far i've met up with about 14 guys. and yes, i am still a virgin. no i haven't caught anything. and no, i still havent found what i was looking for.
i've met a lot of different, terrible, funny, awkward, great guys and my therapist has helped me to realize that
whoring myself out to random dudes on the net is basically another form of cutting myself.
so where am i at now?
i have no fucking idea. im still looking, still searching, for the right person to strike me.
my mom has found out about my whoring, and she even caught me sneaking out.
shes begged me to change my wicked wicked ways or else i have to move out.
which of course sucks, but im willing to tone it down since i can't afford to support myself.
ive been dong a lot of really shitty stuff lately. and i've been feeling really shitty because of it.
and also i went off my meds for awhile. so that didn't help.
im not really sure what i'm trying to say here.
but yeah im back. so look forward to more posts from me in the near future.
i really thought this was gonna be really really long. but it is not.
OH and im like 7 episodes behind on supernatural. i know GASP!
blue sam&dean
27th-Feb-2011 06:08 pm - how i feel.

wait here
28th-Jan-2011 11:40 pm - *hallelujah*
blue sam&dean
14th-Jan-2011 10:04 pm - back to normal?
hi! i feel better now thank god, my mom and i had a loooooooong talk.
i drove to skool on my own, istill don't have my license tho, lol.
i'm going to get it next week.'

matt and i hung out. i told him how i felt about him, and he said he didn't want me.
so i'm a bit down about that but its geting better.

tyler is almost basically out of the picture, its been a couple days since we last talked
and i really don't miss him.
still doing the online dating, have some new prospects lined up, one's name is Justin.
so far he seems really cool. lets keep our fingers crossed folks!

so yeah. what's new with you guys?
blue sam&dean
12th-Jan-2011 09:57 pm - giving up
the urge to cut and defile myself has never been stronger.
its just like everywhere i go i keep hearing about how i'm not good enough,
or i'm doing something wrong, and its SO HARD to constantly keep hearing that.
its been almost a year since i last cut myself, and right now i just want to give up on all
that and just free myself.
i don't know what to do with myself anymore and its so frustrating.
i just, fuck, i HATE THIS.
scars dean
12th-Jan-2011 06:40 pm - Writer's Block: Nom nom nom
What's your favorite snack for a rainy afternoon?

hot chocolate and a fiber one bar.
blue sam&dean
5th-Jan-2011 08:41 pm - life update!
*pokes head out, waves*
i'm alive!
gah didn't realize that i hadnt written in a month,
and that on top of that my suicidal tendencies
were at full mast in my last post. sorry!

i've decided to try and be a bit more positive in this one,
even though i am a bit down atm. um HAPPY NEW YEAR!
can you believe its 2011?! How was ya'lls new years? how did you celebrate?
ameliaabedelia came over and we played just dance, and didn't even watch the ball drop. lol.
she made what is usually a depressing holiday for me, rather enjoyable.
so i have new internet beau, chris and stopped talking. new guy's name is tyler.
i actually got to go meet him in person on new years day, at his job. it was cool, idk if he likes me though.
i'm not sure i see it going anywhere.
also i know who the love of my life is, his name is matt and im trying to schedule a hang out/date with him
atm but hes being an asshole and is taking forever to respond to my texts.

also, I HAVE A JOB. idk if i mentioned taht on here before but i do. and its awesome and i love it.
i work for homegoods, which is kind of like bed bath and beyond [which is where tyler works] only its fancier.
and i have a slight crush on one of my supervisors, his name is eugene. and i want in his pants.
no i;m trying to fuck my way up the corporate ladder, he's just seriously cute.
btw i'm sure you'll all be glad to know i'm still a virgin. yay celebacy! haha.

also also, i start college this coming monday. SCARY.
stupid college has to have multiple campuses and the one most of my classes are at is s00per far away.
but nevertheless, i am excited.

on christmas eve i ahd my first kiss. funnily enough, it was with a girl.
even more funnily it was with my friend lisa.oddly enough i really liked it.
i want to do it again. with her. which makes me pretty sure that i'm bi curious.
im not a lesbian, i know i could never ever have sex with a girl. but idk i guess i'd try anything
at least once. kissing wasn't so bad. now to try it with an actual boy!i;m gonna try to put the moves on

tyler sent me pictures of his cock, its kind of pretty. oh and i slutted it up and sent him a pic of my boobs.
i never thought i would do something like taht but i did. it was kind of exhilarating.

also, I HAS A PEACOCK RING!!! its beautiful. and i paid waaaaaay too much for it but i LURVES IT!
and i got these cute boots taht my mom yelled at me for buying, right in fron tof ameliaabedelia , it was kind of embarrassing.

also i'm kind of despressed again that i don't have somebody special/a boyfriend/love interest in my life.
and my best friend does and while i'm happy for her, im also a bit jealous at the same time.
i just want someone to be with. i don't think thats too much to ask for, right?
hopefully this new year brings me some romance.

so yeah, there is my life update for those who care, haha.
hope you all had lovely holidays and i look forward to hearing about them.
blue sam&amp;dean
17th-Dec-2010 05:06 pm - Writer's Block: Eye for an eye?
If you bumped into someone who regularly picked on you as a child, what would you say to them?

i'd ask them what the hell their problem was.
blue sam&amp;dean
If you unexpectedly won a $10,000, how would you spend it?

i'd spend a couple hundred on clothes but the rest would just go towards college.
beautiful madness
11th-Dec-2010 03:04 pm - idky
but whenever i'm reading J2 fic and Jensen's mother is mentioned or like in the story,
i ALWAYS picture paula dean as being his mom.
blue sam&amp;dean
11th-Dec-2010 09:49 am - Writer's Block: Best song of the year
What is the best song of 2010?

i can't pick just one.
i will definitely say that any of Florence and The Machine's songs are just simply AMAZING.
As well as Maroon 5's 'Never Leave This Bed'
and DEFINITELY Eminem's 'Love The Way You Lie'
also Rhianna's 'Love The Way You Lie pt 2', and 'Rude Boy', and 'Rockstar 101'
oh and anything Glee has done fer sures.
and lastly, Katy Perry's 'California Gurls'
simply because I am indeed a California Gurl. lol.
29th-Nov-2010 11:10 pm - Writer's Block: Ready for my close-up
If you could make a cameo appearance on a TV show, which show would you choose, and what type of character would you play?

and i'd play Dean's new long-term love interest.

blue sam&amp;dean
26th-Nov-2010 12:08 pm - thankful.
i figured the LJ question of the day would be what are you thankful for?
but whatevs.

i just wanted to say that i am thankful for my best friend ameliaabedelia 
she's the bestest best friend a girl could ask for, and i love her so much!

i am also thankful for the people i have met on here, that were so gracious
as to take the time to offer me advice and just be there. thank you so much.
you have no idea how much your words mean to me.

i was very thankful yesterday, for the chance to be able to get together with
family and friends and just hang out, i wish it happened more often.
luckily we are getting together again today to finish the last nights leftovers.

S&amp;D stargazing
24th-Nov-2010 01:34 pm - words floating around in my head
i've once again been seriously contemplating suicide.
not just because christopher has yet to contact me, but because
i realize that i have absolutely nothing going for me. i have no purpose
in life whatsoever. so its just like, why bother living? what is the point
when i'm depressed all the time? and all i have to look forward to is the
next inane task my mother assigns me?

christopher has proven to me that i truly am worthless, and that there is no
hope for me, especially not in love.
i have prayed hard about this and i think God is listening but
he must be testing me or something. testing my patience. but i can't wait anymore
i've been waiting my whole life and im sick and tired of it.
i choose to fail.

and i know you must think, 'how selfish of you'
but i don't care. i don't care what anyone thinks because you know what?
i am.
i am the most selfish bitch you will ever meet.
i am not a decent human being. inf act i am subhuman.
not worthy of anything.
i don't care about the people i would leave behind because i'm doing this for me,
half of them are the reason i feel this way, and the other half,
all the other half know is a lie.
the perfect mask hides all the flaws lying underneath.
i do not write this for pity or for you to talk me out of it.
i write so that you can maybe understand part of the real me.
o death
23rd-Nov-2010 05:12 pm - fight the fairies.
finally caught up on supernatural.
it was hilarious.
was it just me or did jensen and jared look extra sexy in this ep? sam's hair FTW.
im just majorly disappointed in Sam though.
i don't like the idea of him sleeping around and being a horndog.
i'd think that without a soul he would be emotionless, just a blank slate.
but he's not. he has all the bad parts of sam and none of the good.
like he's got all this sarcasm and aggressiveness.
OR EVEN without a soul itd be like all his inner inhibitions are let loose.
but still idk it just bothers me.
like he doesn't care about Dean but he cares about getting laid.
i just don't understand whats going on in the writers room.

i'll shut up and go back to wallowing in my room now.
oh did mention? chris hasn't talked to me in 3 days.
life just sucks all around.
21st-Nov-2010 11:04 pm - dexter, my other favorite show.
does ANYONE know of any good dexter communities that have links to download the newest episodes?

kinda like how  Dean_sam always has SPN download links.

if you could point me in the dirextino of a good dexter comm. that would be AWESOME.


mask slipping
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