i know, it's been awhile and you've all missed me terribly. hahahahha. GUESS WHAT?
*sings* I LOST MY VIRGINITY TODAY!
it was interesting, i don't regret it, and i had fun. oh and for memory's sake his name is Alfy Lavieri. so yeah i has been deflowered. my v-card has been maxed out. i am a virgin no more. i had teh sex.
there i said it. and know all of you know. so rejoice in my liberation!!!!!
so something really weird happened today after i got off work. i hooked up with one of my co-workers in my car in the parkinglot. his name is mister jeffrey. and hes 36. [i know i know WAY too old] and until this day i thought our friendship was purely platonic. and today i find out that he's basically a dirty old man. i dont know why i even sucked him off. one minute we're just talking and making fun of random people and the next we're in the backseat and his cock is in my mouth. and btw it was freaking HUGE. like i'd never seen one that big before. the damn thing could barely fit in my mouth. idk the whole thing is like finding out santa clause didn't exist all over again. like i geniuinely thought we were friends, i mean i would always be sp excited to see him because hes a really cool guy and we always have good talks. i mean yeah, he would always call me beautiful and stuff but i figured that was just him trying to pick up my obviously low self-esteem. but appearently all he wanted was to get in my pants, and he even said that he knew we'd wind up here from day one. i dont even know how i got to this point. i wish i could wake up and do the whole day over again.
i dont know what im doing here guys. im drowning and its like nobody can really see. Karen [my therapist], says that my hooking up with all these guys is my new form of cutting. she even made a chart to prove it. she says that because of the feelings that i have about it are the same ones i had about my cutting. i mean i knew all along thats what it was, but it didn't really hit me until she said so.
and i know the simple answer is just stop hooking up with guys. but i can't right now. its like i need this. i feed off of it. even though it makes me feel like shit afterwards, i still wanna do it.
so i met up with this guy Josh yesterday. he was pretty cute. he didn't really have like rock hard abs or anything but he wasn't fat either. just normal. so that was nice. anywhore, we were messing around and then BAM! i feel a sharp jab of pain. and the next words out of his mouth are "uh...you're bleeding a bit"
you have been forewarned, from here on out its all just words.
damn lj, its been awhile. how are my peeps doing? fuck i've missed you guys like burning. i dont really have any excuses for my absence. but i doubt any of you missed me or my rantings. im gonna give yall the cliffnotes version of everything thats gone down these past two months. the plentyoffish dating site brought me Eli, he was my boyfriend until he disappeared. no, literally. he just vanished. all i got was a cryptic text message. but he was my first real kiss, and my first blowjob, and basically first person i'd done anything physical with. no we didn't have sex. but after getting a taste of that I wanted more. so soon enough, i was on a sex personals website, using the same handle i had on here. so far i've met up with about 14 guys. and yes, i am still a virgin. no i haven't caught anything. and no, i still havent found what i was looking for. i've met a lot of different, terrible, funny, awkward, great guys and my therapist has helped me to realize that whoring myself out to random dudes on the net is basically another form of cutting myself. so where am i at now? i have no fucking idea. im still looking, still searching, for the right person to strike me. my mom has found out about my whoring, and she even caught me sneaking out. shes begged me to change my wicked wicked ways or else i have to move out. which of course sucks, but im willing to tone it down since i can't afford to support myself. ive been dong a lot of really shitty stuff lately. and i've been feeling really shitty because of it. and also i went off my meds for awhile. so that didn't help. im not really sure what i'm trying to say here. but yeah im back. so look forward to more posts from me in the near future. i really thought this was gonna be really really long. but it is not. OH and im like 7 episodes behind on supernatural. i know GASP!
hi! i feel better now thank god, my mom and i had a loooooooong talk. i drove to skool on my own, istill don't have my license tho, lol. i'm going to get it next week.'
matt and i hung out. i told him how i felt about him, and he said he didn't want me. so i'm a bit down about that but its geting better.
tyler is almost basically out of the picture, its been a couple days since we last talked and i really don't miss him. still doing the online dating, have some new prospects lined up, one's name is Justin. so far he seems really cool. lets keep our fingers crossed folks!
the urge to cut and defile myself has never been stronger. its just like everywhere i go i keep hearing about how i'm not good enough, or i'm doing something wrong, and its SO HARD to constantly keep hearing that. its been almost a year since i last cut myself, and right now i just want to give up on all that and just free myself. i don't know what to do with myself anymore and its so frustrating. i just, fuck, i HATE THIS. =[